Big Feels, Bad Decisions

Today I'm going to be talking about red flags and what they're actually trying to tell us.
I'll be discussing my last relationship and all the red flags I completely ignored,
and I'll be talking about all the things I would have, could have, should have done differently, but didn't.

My last relationship ended very abruptly and shockingly,
and it took me two full months to wrap my head around what had actually just happened to me.
And I can't help but think that a lot of that grief and that pain and that shock could have been avoided
if I had just listened to the red flags that were presenting themselves to me throughout our brief relationship.

I'm going to discuss a few of them to give you an idea of the red flags I completely ignored throughout this relationship.
One of them occurred when we very first met.
And I can't help but think about this and ask myself, why did I actually keep dating this guy?

So I met this person on Bumble.
I had been single for about twelve years before I met this individual, and I had been on Bumble for a long time.
And I've never actually dated anybody I met online except for this individual.

So we swiped right on each other and we started chatting.
We started talking, getting to know each other a little bit.
And he wasn't from the area. He actually lived in the States.
He was up here visiting some friends and family, and he was only in town for a short while.
But we decided to meet each other on a Friday.
And I kind of just said, "Well, if you want to get together and meet up while you're in town, let's meet this day, this time."
And he was like, "Yeah, absolutely. Let's do it."

So day of, I went out and I got a bottle of wine.
I actually ran into my dad. It was a funny story.
I ran into my dad at the liquor store at like two in the afternoon,
and he had just run into my sister, and he was like, "Do you guys even work? Do you guys have jobs?"

Anyway, I'm getting a bottle of wine, and it's two o'clock,
and we agreed to meet at five o'clock at a restaurant.
And I hadn't heard from this guy all day.
That was kind of suspicious to me. I was like, "Oh, well, that's weird.
It's getting kind of close to when we're supposed to meet up. I better check in."

So I asked him, "Hey, I hope you're having a good day.
Just wondering if we're still on to meet at five o'clock at whatever restaurant."
And he writes back, "Oh, yeah. I just had so much fishing and golfing today. I'm not going to be able to meet up."

And I was immediately pissed off.
Like, when were you going to tell me that you're not coming to see me?
Because it's already been a full day. It was past two p.m.
We're supposed to meet at five, in literally just a couple of hours.
And you're too busy because you did too much fishing and golfing and you can't meet me.

So I'm already annoyed. I wrote him off. I was like, whatever.
And my sister came over that night and we got wasted on margaritas and we talked shit about men.
And that was it. I had zero intention of ever talking to this person ever again.
I was pissed. I was like, "Don't waste my time, buddy."

And I think the next day he messaged and he was like, "Oh, yeah, sorry about that."
And I was like, "No worries. Safe travels home."
I wasn't going to talk to him again.

And then a couple of days go by, and he messages me out of the blue and he's like,
"God, I really regret not meeting you when I was there. Blah, blah, blah. I can't stop thinking about you," kind of thing.

And I gave it a minute.
I wanted to tear this guy's head off. Like, I was going to say something really mean. I just had to think about it first.
So I'm doing laundry or I'm doing whatever, and I'm like, "I'm going to say this. I'm going to really tear into him."

And then there was just like a voice. There was just something that crossed my mind. And it was,
"What if you like him? What if you really like this person?"
And it was just a moment to think about, okay, well, red flag number one is telling me don't bother with this guy.
But this voice in my head is saying, but what if you like him? What if there's something about him?
What if that was just a mistake? What if this was out of character for him to act like that?

So then it changed my tone and I messaged him. I'm like, "Yeah, no worries."
I said something cheeky, like, "Yeah, you should regret it, but no hard feelings," kind of thing.
And that kind of opened the door for us to continue our conversation.
So we kept chatting, and we talked for like two months.
And then I booked a ticket to go down and see him.
I spent a lot of money on tickets. Okay.

Another red flag that kind of came up.
He was in med school, so he didn't have a lot of money.
But I was also a student. I was literally paying $120,000 in tuition for my graduate degree.
And I was still paying for everything throughout this relationship.

So that was kind of a red flag that I just ignored.
And to be fair, I did offer. I offered to pay for a lot of these things, like our dinners out.
Like, I wanted to go to fancy restaurants and I knew that wasn't really in his budget, so I paid for it.
We would go to Walmart and get groceries, and when I was staying with him, I was like,
"Well, I'm going to be eating this stuff. I'm going to be using this stuff. I'll pay for it." And I offered.

And I hate fighting about money. You know, I had money.
So I had no problem footing the bill for a lot of things.
And it was fine. That wasn't an issue to me.
That wasn't something that made me upset or anything.

But one time we were going out for ice cream, and him and his daughter would go out for ice cream quite often.
And that was like a special thing they did, and he brought me along.
I was getting to know her. She's like this fascinating young woman, and I just loved her to pieces.

So we were out getting ice cream, and we're standing in line,
and he's paying for hers, and I'm right behind him with mine.
And he wasn't going to pay for my ice cream. My $6 ice cream.
He wanted me to pay for my own ice cream.
Until his daughter hit him in the arm and was like, "Dad. And hers. Like, what are you doing?"

And it took his fifteen year old daughter to say something like,
"What's wrong with you? Get her ice cream."
It's a $6 ice cream.

And you guys, this is a red flag. Okay.
If a guy gets so comfortable with you paying for everything that he won't get your $6 ice cream, that's a red flag.
That is something to make note of.

And at the time I was just kind of stunned.
Like, at first I was like, oh, whatever, I can pay for my ice cream, not thinking anything of it.
And then after the fact, when I thought about it, I'm like, it's a $6 ice cream.
And this dude wasn't even, like, we're on a date.
What a red flag. Big red flag. I was like, okay, that's not right. Whatever.

And then so whatever, I brush it off. I don't really pay attention to it.
And we have a really good visit, whatever. I go back home.

And I am looking on Facebook one day, and I'm looking at his Facebook,
and I notice that he suddenly now follows this girl.
This beautiful blonde bombshell, like, smoking hot girl.
And he doesn't follow anybody. Like, he's not following anybody but this girl.
And this was new. Like, this was not on his profile before, when we started dating.

And I was like, what is that? What's happening here?
So I call him out on it. I'm like, "Why are you following this girl?"
And he's like, "What do you mean? I don't follow anybody. I don't know what you're talking about."
And at first it was like deny, deny, deny.
And then I'm like, well, you actually have to follow someone. You physically have to follow them.
Facebook doesn't just make you follow people that you're not trying to follow.

And so, I don't know, it was kind of like excuse, excuse, excuse.
But my intuition was telling me there's something really fucking shady here.
Like, he's either stepping out, or he's actively trying to date this girl, or he knows this girl.
Like, something was telling me something ain't right here.
But he was playing completely innocent, totally dumb.
And his response was, "I don't know how that happened."

And we kind of got in a little bit of a fight about it.
It wasn't anything huge. I was just hurt by it. I was like,
"What is this? Are you that guy? Are you trying to date other people? Are we together?"
Anyway, he was like, "No, no, no, it's not me. We're together.
I'm really sorry about that, whatever. I don't know what happened."

I was talking to my sister, and she was like,
"Oh, sometimes that happens if you try to friend someone and they deny your friend request,
then your Facebook just starts following them."

So this guy was trying to friend this girl, who was a hairdresser,
who obviously cut his hair, and he was flirting with her,
and he was trying to friend her and get in her DMs.
And she denied the friend request, so it made him follow her page, which I then saw.

So that was actually a big red flag that I should have paid attention to, because this was telling me
this guy is going to step out on you. He's not one hundred percent in the relationship.
And I was one hundred percent in the relationship.
Like, I was full on. I thought this was my guy.
We were making future plans to be together. I met his kids. I met his family.

His sisters are amazing. He's got a really big family, and they live about an hour away.
He was up for Christmas one year and introduced me to everybody, so I got to spend Christmas with his family.
And all of his sisters are gorgeous.
I don't know what this family did in the gene pool or did in a past life, but everybody is beautiful.
All of the men are handsome, and all of the women are gorgeous.

And it was so nice to meet his whole family.
And that was like one of the worst parts of the breakup. Like,
"Can I still be friends with your sisters, though?
I don't really like you, but I like your family. So what happens now?"

Anyway, so I'm all in on this relationship, and this red flag was just blaring at me.
Like, this guy is not ready for a serious relationship, and I should have paid attention.
I wanted to ignore it, though, because it hurt, that he was stepping out behind my back.
But I should have paid attention to it. But I didn't. I ignored it.

So the relationship continues.
And eventually, I think I went down to see him maybe three times.
Our relationship was nine months long.
Not a long relationship, but it felt serious. Like, we FaceTimed every single night,
and that made me feel closer to him.
That gave me a bit of security in the relationship, that we could actually see each other every night, even if we couldn't be with each other.

And over January, February time, things were a little tough.
We were chatting every night, but I was going through a lot at work.
I was getting bullied. I was getting harassed. I was really, really depressed.
One, it was January and February, which is like the darkest season of Canada,
and I think every Canadian gets a little bit of seasonal depression during this time.
If you're not going to Mexico and getting some vitamin D, you're kind of going through it if you're in Canada.

So I was feeling a little down, and I wasn't being treated very well at work,
and it was a really hard time for me mentally.
And I was doing an MBA, like I was in grad school, so it was a lot of pressure.
And I didn't like that my relationship was long distance. It kind of sucked.

And it was February, so it was Valentine's Day, and I posted this big announcement,
basically announcing our relationship, and I was like, "I love this guy.
Happy Valentine's Day to this amazing man who's just there for me every step of the way, blah, blah, blah."
Really embarrassing now to look back at it, but yeah, I posted this big, lovey thing about him.

And literally, I don't know if it was that day or shortly after,
but I'm looking at his Instagram, and all of a sudden I notice there's this new girl that he's following.
And every single woman can look at her man's Instagram,
and there can be like three hundred other women, but there will be one.
If something shady's happening, there will be one woman that just stands out,
and you think to yourself, "I don't like that. Who the fuck is this?
I don't fucking like this. What is this?"

So he doesn't follow many people. It's all family and friends and some classmates that he follows,
and all of a sudden there's this new girl that he's following.
So immediately, it gave me bad vibes. This was another red flag.
And I was like, "Who the fuck is that?"
In my head, I'm like, "I don't like this. This gives bad vibes all over it.
And there's a lot of other women that I don't know on his Instagram,
but none of them are giving me red flags. It's this one that doesn't make me feel good."

I had just posted this big, lovely announcement of our relationship.
I hadn't been in a relationship in twelve years,
so my Facebook blew up with my friends and family all like,
"Congratulations. That's awesome. Happy for you."

So I confront him about it, and he's answering my questions.
Like, I'm digging, and I'm really putting the pressure on him,
and he's playing it pretty cool until he isn't,
and he gets a little defensive near the end of it, and he kind of starts getting mad.

To be fair, I was saying, like, "Well, will you unfriend her?"
If anybody is dating a man and you have to ask him to unfriend someone that makes you feel uncomfortable, that's a red flag.
You should never be in a relationship where you have to ask your guy to unfriend another girl because you're insecure about something.
If your intuition is telling you something shady is happening, something shady is happening, like one hundred percent.
And you don't have to ask him to unfriend her.

In my opinion, I should have just dumped him right there.
Like, honestly, it should have been over immediately.
But I didn't have the information. I wasn't given the whole story.
So I hung on, because I'm in it. I'm so in this relationship.
And he got a little defensive, and we ended it there. I was like, "Whatever."

And then he was supposed to come and see me in March, like, the following month.
He was coming up for a week, and I offered to pay for it.
I was like, "Let me pay for it. It's fine. You're a student."

And this was the only time in our entire relationship that he was ever adamant that he was paying for anything.
He never paid for anything else, but this flight he was paying for, and he was adamant about it.
He was not going to take my money.
And that kind of was a red flag. I was like, "Why is it this flight that he really has to pay for?"
I'm like, "Okay, whatever."

So he came up and saw me for a week.
And we're together this whole week. We're talking about our future.
I'm hanging out with his brothers. We're doing things together. We're going for dinner.
I'm paying for everything. But we're hanging out together, and nothing seems amiss.
We're just enjoying our time together, and we're talking about our future.

And then all of a sudden, twelve hours before I have to drive him to the airport and drop him off so that he's going back home,
and it's at night, I mentioned, "I really want us to stay together."

We had talked about kids, and I wanted kids, and in the beginning, he was open to it.
He was like, "Well, I don't really want kids, but never say never."
And so he kind of led me on with that.
And then in October, later on, he was kind of giving me a hint.
Like, "No, I think kids are off the table for me. I think we're not having kids."
And I kind of brushed that off. I was like, "Well, I still want kids, but maybe I don't."

And then when he's here with me twelve hours before his flight, I just tell him, I'm like,
"You know what? Let's end that conversation. I'm okay with not having kids.
I want this relationship to work. I'm invested in this relationship,
and I really want to be with you, and I don't want to fight about that.
So, no, I'm okay to not have kids."

And he's like, "No, I think we should break up."
He didn't say those exact words, but he was like, "No, it's not going to work."

I was completely caught off guard. I was like, "Well, it will work. We'll make it work.
It's no problem. I just told you, I don't want to fight about it."
And he's like, "No, it's not going to work."
I'm like, "What do you mean?" He's like, "The relationship's not going to work."
And he fucking dumped me on the spot, like that.

The entire week, he never gave me a hint or a fucking clue that our relationship was about to end,
twelve hours before his fucking flight.

You guys, I am livid about how this selfish fucking prick dumped me.
And, like, I am boiling about how this coward walked out on our relationship the way he did.

And this whole episode is not to talk shit about this individual or point out that he's a horrible person.
He is a person just like I am. We're learning. We're growing.
There's a reason I was in a relationship with him.
He was very compassionate. He was very patient. And he was very loving.
And he was a kind person to be with. So he had a lot of attributes that I really loved.
So I just wanted to put that out there.
This episode is not to trash this person.
It's really around the red flags and the importance of paying attention to those, to save yourself some heartache.

But I don't think there is any excuse in the world for how this individual fucking ended our relationship.
And I'm pissed about it. So I'm telling you exactly what he did.

So he ended our relationship on the spot.
He knew he was going to end our relationship that whole time.
When he said he was going to book the flight and pay for it, he knew he was flying up to dump me,
because he wanted to be in a relationship with that girl on Instagram.

And I later found out that he did start a relationship with her after he dumped me.
And this girl is thirteen years younger than him.
So he dumped me to go date a girl in his class that was thirteen years younger, hotter, whatever.
And that's how he ended our relationship.
Completely out of the blue, completely blindsided me, in the most cowardly way he possibly could.

Oh, it had to be in person. He had to dump me face to face.
So he had to dump me on the spring break when he came up to see me.
And he had to pay for that flight, because he would feel bad if I paid for the flight and he dumped me.
So it all started making sense.

And it took me two full months. I cried every single day for two full months.
I could not get a grip. Like, the grief was real,
because I was so in this relationship, and I ignored every red flag that came up.

And you guys, all of the men I dated in my life, they all resemble an animal.
When I look back on the relationship, there's always an animal that comes to mind with the individual,
and kind of their aura, or how they were with me.
And this guy was a weasel. Straight up. Just not completely honest.
And he just weaseled his way out of our relationship.
Another guy I dated, a snake. I dated a grizzly bear.
And, yeah, there's all kinds. Those are other stories.

But this one specifically is really just the importance of red flags,
and I just want to drive that home.
Pay attention to those. Those are opportunities to reflect on the relationship and ask yourself,
is this someone that I can trust?
Is this someone that I can see myself moving forward with and being happy with?
Or are these red flags dealbreakers?
Like, is this something I'm going to accept and we're going to work on?
Or is this my opportunity to save myself some heartache and get the fuck out?

And in my case, I should have got the fuck out, because it didn't really end there.
It took me a full year to get over this relationship, because he was still messaging me.
We weren't together and he started a whole new relationship,
but he never told me that he was in a whole new relationship. He was still talking to me.
He was still FaceTiming me. He was still trying to get my attention.

And then that year, after he had ended our relationship and started a new one, it was New Year's.
He was up in the area visiting his family,
and he was posting on his socials to let me know he was in the area.
And I ended up reaching out, and he came over, and we accidentally hooked up.
Like, I'm not going to lie, that was my farewell.
That was like revenge sex for me, because that was me being like,
well, we're going to hook up and then I'm never going to talk to you again.

But it didn't really work out that way either. We kind of chatted a little bit.
And the following February, he even had his sister pick up a box of chocolates and wine for me.
And I kind of got a vibe like maybe we were reconciling. Maybe our relationship was going somewhere.

But at the end of the day, he was just leading me on because he liked the attention he got from me.
He didn't actually want a relationship with me.
And for all I know, he was still in a relationship with his other girl.
Like, I don't know if that ever actually ended, but he was entertaining me.
And I thought we were kind of getting back together.

But then a couple of things happened, and I kind of called him out one day.
I asked a question point blank and he wasn't answering it. He refused.
I think his response was, "I don't like the question, so I'm not going to give you an answer."
And all I could think of is, what in the eight year old boy is that kind of response?

And immediately, my soul just shut down.
I was like, no, we're not letting this person do this to us anymore. It had run its course.
We were not together for longer than we were together, and I was still hung up on this guy.
And that's when it all ended for me. I was like, no, we're done.
So it's completely over.

And the best thing out of the relationship was that I got to meet his sisters,
because I love his sisters, and the ones I still talk to, I think they're just, like, incredible people.
And I did get something really special out of the relationship.

And it wasn't all bad. Like, this guy was really patient. He listened to me,
and he provided a companionship that I was looking for during a really hard time in my life.
And for that, I am grateful.

But there were a number of red flags that were telling me,
this guy is just here for a season. He's not here for the long term,
because he's not treating you with the respect that you deserve.
And that's what they were ultimately letting me know.
And I chose not to listen.

So in this lesson, just make sure you're paying attention to those red flags
and using those to guide you in your decisions in life.
Make sure that you really take the time to pay attention to the messages and how it feels.
Use your intuition. If something feels off, it probably is.

If a guy is making another girl make you feel uncomfortable, fucking leave the guy.
Because if he's doing that, then he's going to keep doing it.
There is no one on this planet that is worth staying with if they make you feel insecure.
If someone is making you feel insecure about yourself, get out of that.
Because there are so many other people that will not do that to you.
You should be able to feel secure and confident in the relationship that you're in.

And the lesson here is just pay attention to the red flags.
Because the red flags, one, they're patterns of behaviour.
So if a red flag comes up and you kind of notice something's a little off,
or this person's behaviour is a little off, or they did something and it didn't feel good,
but you think, I'm going to brush it off and just give them the benefit of the doubt,
that red flag is a pattern of behaviour you're picking up on.
And this individual is representing some unfavourable behaviour that you've experienced before.
So pay attention to it.

But the second part of this, a red flag is also your soul's recognition that something isn't right.
A red flag is a boundary that your soul has in how you're going to allow somebody to treat you.
And when you get that spidey sense tingling,
your soul is telling you this person doesn't get to treat you this way.
I am not going to allow this person to treat me this way.

So a red flag is two parts.
It's the recognition of bad behaviour and a pattern that you've seen before.
And it's also your soul's boundary of, hey, this individual is acting a type of way and that's not okay with me.

And when we ignore these red flags, we end up in these situations we don't want to be in.
We end up in these positions where we are completely blindsided or we're caught off guard.
But really, we had bits of information before that we could have acted on.

I could have said before, when he was stepping out on me and trying to be friends or date this other woman,
"Hey, that's a boundary. You're not going to do that. I'm done. I'm out."
I could have not given him a chance to begin with, when he bailed on me on our first date.
I could have leaned in and questioned, who is this girl that's giving me bad vibes? Like, who is that really?

But I didn't. I let him come up here, waste my time for a week,
and then walk out on me like a complete coward.

So I am now single.
I love being single, because there is no one making me feel insecure.
I'm not paying for anybody's son.
I'm not staying up at night wondering what they're doing.
I'm not crying over anyone. No one's walking out on me. I'm happy.

And I am open to a relationship. So if the right person comes along, then yes, I would entertain that.
But in the meantime, I have a really good time.
Just me and my dog, hanging out in my personal space that I don't have to share with anybody.

So if you've been enjoying these lessons or you liked this episode,
feel free to like, share, subscribe, and follow along for more.